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| Ok, I realize that its been 2 years, 4 months and 4 days since my last blog, but hey, I've been busy. I got married (to E) last May (07). We are expecting our first child, a boy, any minute now (literally, he was due yesterday and she's having contractions right now). And I moved to the Poconos. So, all is well. I really hope to hear from some people that I haven't heard from in awhile. You can find me where I currently blog now, redfordreview.blogspot.com, or you can become my friend on myspace, www.myspace.com/nickred, or you can check me out on facebook, www.facebook.com, or just shoot me an email: nick@nickredford.com. Oh, yeah, there's also nickredford.com, which doesnt get updated much. but there are some pics there too.
Hope to hear from you guys!
Nick
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| Value. How do you judge someones value? In my humble opinion, its their worth to you. Of course, there are diffent types of situations, therefore different types of worths. There have only been a few people who have shown me that I have true value to them. E is one of them. I know, to her, I am very valuable. Not in dollars and cents, but in emotion and love, I am the most valuable thing to her. Now, lets say she was a company. I have the same amount of value to her, but her methods of showing me would change greatly. In my new line of work, it has become very obvious to me that I am very valuable. The problem is, I am not show that at all. Certain people in the company let me know, but the people who are directly responsible for me do not. I am quite torn as to why. There are three possiblities. One- They dont want me to know. It is very possible that if I knew that they found me valuable, they might think that I would try to take advantage of that, i.e. raises, promotions, pick my own hours...etc. Possibility two- Union state of mind. In my industry, a vast majority of people come in, work for a few months, leave. Also, a vast majority of them are incompetent or simply dont care about the job. They are just bad at it, and they dont care. But there are some people who come in and intent to stay for life. But the desire to work there for life does not exemplify them from the incompetence and apathy about the job. I have been there for exactly 2 weeks, 4 days and 4 hours. It is very possible they do not want me to invoke jealousy and hatred from the other employees by showing me appreciation and gratetude that the lifers will never see shown to them. Then there is possibilty number 3. The company is so big, so many employees, so much mediocrity that one lone individual with talent and ability is simply overshadowed by the dark cloud of incompetence he is surrounded by. Think of a football team. They draft the best quarterback ever to grace the field. He still needs to throw the ball to someone who can catch it. Before long, it will be known that he is good and talented, but never get that ring that he deserves.
At first, i assumed that maybe I was not good at this, or maybe just not doing it right. Now, I know the truth. Who pays for this in the end? The loser, of course. The question I eventually have to answer is, what is the companies worth to me? Will I be the winner, or the loser? Far too early to make a decision, but a few more months like this, it will either be move up or move on. They know my ambitions, I have told them and shown my ability. Its up to them what the next move.
Retail managment. Who would have thought that I would have the talent, and the desire to be apart of it? Now the taste is in my mouth, I want it. | | |
| You have all had the same nightmare. Especially you karaoke people. Standing up there, singing a song, you think you know the words, but they seem diffent to you, somehow. and, oh yeah, you are in your underwear. What a nightmare. There is no better feeling than the one you have when you wake up and realize it was all a dream. Now, imagine if you couldnt wake up from that nightmare. Imagine you finish the song, pull up your pants and walk back to your seat. And you get money for it. That was me, Saturday night. Oh, wait, im forgetting something, it was at a gay bar.
No, im not gay, happily in a hetero relationship, thank you. But we have this friend, Danny. Hes gay. Goes back a long way with E. So he invited us up to this gay bar. Next to a ski resort. Its called Rainbow Mountain. Cute, huh? Anyway, we go, im not exactly dreading it, but its not my first choice of a place to go. At least they had karaoke.
So they asked if any guys would be willing to go up and sing in their undwear for some cash. I went right up. Won myself 20 bucks for singing Cowboy. Some fat girl sucked on my neck, Danny pulled down my pants later, and fell asleep on my lap, and E made out with a gay guy. Oh, yeah, this other guy begged me to make out with him. Good times.
Here's the deal. We are adults. Once in awhile, we drink too much, and have too much fun. It happens. Heres the key. Dont hide it. What makes what we did ok? The fact that we didnt hide it at all. It happend. We were drunk, we were honest, so its ok. Am I wrong?
Nick | | |
| Here I am, come and get me. Thats what I feel like saying right now. Had a shitty day today. I just feel like I am going out of my mind. Sitting at home, all day. 6 days a week. I am so excited to be going back to Pgh for the weekend. Its gonna be insane down there. I wish we were gonna have time for some visiting of all the places I used to hang out, but we just wont have time. As long as the Steelers win, everything will be great.
Just seems like sometimes the whole world is completely against me. I cant do anything right. Last night, I was informed by one of my players that some of the players were complaining that I play in the games. I have explained to them many times why I play in the games, but fine, if thats what people are saying, I wont play. Here is my only question. When do I get to play? Its not like Emily and I go out to other poker games in the area. We dont. I guess Emily isnt comfortable going to the other games.
Where is the line between holding back and letting loose. Is it when its something thats already been said? Or is it something that will hurt someones feelings? E knows how I feel about this subject, but it upsets her so much so I dont bring it up anymore and just hope that she will give me what I need. I really want to be able to yell at her and scream at the top of my lungs "I need a social life". She knows I do, but either she doesnt or its not important enough to her to do anything about it. Can I even say this on here? I am so afraid to upset her that now Im worried that shes gonna get pissed at me about this. Im sorry, Em, but I need social interaction. Yes I have it with you, but I have so much more to say. Remember when I wanted you to listen to Glenn Beck with me in the car? You made me turn it off. I just wanted to share it with you, with someone, so I could talk about it with someone, but you werent interested in that. Thats why I need more friends than just you. Im sorry, but I do. I have interests that you simply wont even discuss with me. They bore you that much. So what do I do? Just sit here? Tell Oz? I cant keep doing that. He doesnt care. Kevin gets to do freakin podcasts and radio shows that no one listens to, but at least hes not doing them alone. Hes with a friend. Like I used to be. I have all this free time, I could be doing stuff like that. But I cant do it alone. Thats it, for the first time in my life, I am in love and happy, but still feel totally alone. I need all the aspects of my life covered. I need to take care of them. I need to interact socially on a regular basis. Not once a week, not just with people who are customers. I need friends. Im sorry. I dont know why I went into all of that, but I did tear up a little.
Well, thats my blog, and aparently an open letter to Emily.
Nick | | |
| Now, the true test. Up until now, I have had no choice. Now, finally, I know where I would go. I love E. So much that even the thought of a backup plan made me scared. But today, it finally came to me what I could do. Where I could go. Its not ideal, but I have enough already in place there that I could survive. The ironic part, is that it isnt me and it isnt E that is the problem that made me consider it. It was Oz. Yeah, I have books that weigh more than him, but today he pushed the last straw. He put in place a barrier that will probably never be able to be broken down. He and I may have to leave. I wont consider the other option. Hes my son. I have raised him since he was a puppy. He is my companion that is always there, no matter what. I will not turn my back on him. He wouldnt do that to me. We are a package. We go together. No he's not perfect. Neither am I. After all the problems that E and I have endured, I just cant believe he would be the one to cost me this love. There is a possibility that this would work, that this is fixable. But I needed to come up with a back up scenerio. Something to fall back on. Hopefully, this will work. I pray it does. | | |
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